Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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