i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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