going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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