Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
