Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish you could order shots online.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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