I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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