I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
