On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
