i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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