Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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