So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
