I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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