remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
