Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How external is "for external use only"?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
