I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
whose parrot is this?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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