hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
