Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
