Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
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We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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