I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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