I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
