I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
