I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.