broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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