watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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