Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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