i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
