dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
