Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
