i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
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The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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