Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
