I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
