The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
