I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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