he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize