Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
