Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
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The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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