can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
