We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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