I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
