The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
