you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
