as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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