i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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