kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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