totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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