Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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