I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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