I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
