Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
