if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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