I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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