There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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