peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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