I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
