I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
