i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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